Shameful High School Celebrity Crushes

Because I was nerdy cool before nerdy cool was a thing, I spent my high school years believing no one could relate to me in terms of what I was wearing, or reading or listening to on my Sony Discman.  BTW – we’ve all forgotten about those handy devices.  Or at least I had until my friend had the brilliant idea that she was going to buy one before we embark on our motorcycle camping trip next weekend.  She wanted to play music in the forest and felt a discman and portable stereos were a brilliant solution.  And then it dawned her that Ipods can do the same thing.  While she may be living in the hear and now, her heart and soul would like the remain firmly in the 90s.  And while I have been begging for a Nirvana coverband for years, I recognize that some things that you used to cherish should remain in the past, undisturbed, and never talked about again.

On that note, I give you the list of men I lusted after in high school who I should not have (for various , surprising reasons)

1) Pedro Zamora (of “Real World” fame)

I’m staring directly into your sole

If you’re not familiar with the “Real World San Francisco” let me catch you up to speed on three very important facts about Pedro: (1) He was openly gay (2) He had AIDs and (3) he died.  Those three facts did not stop me from developing a fantasy life in my head where Pedro and I could be together forever.  He was an AIDS awareness advocate who joined the cast of The Real World to get his message about HIV and AIDs across to a wider audience.  And much more important to me at the time – he was handsome, articulate and bilingual.  These three things combined were enough to set off a fire of desire in my belly.  I crushed on Pedro the way my grandmothercrushed on Elvis, well past his death and to an unnerving degree.  The crush was so embarrassingly obvious that my step dad gave me a comic book about Pedro as a Christmas gift when I was in college, 6 years after Pedro’s death.  I laughed it off and then ran to the bathroom to read it in its entirety.  Death and disease cannot keep soul mates apart, people.

2) Liam and Noel Gallagher (Singer/Guitarist, Oasis)

Look at my face, ignore my music

What. The. Fuck.  This is a horrible band.  And not Creed or Nickleback horrible but offensively horrible.  If you’re an attractive male pop singer looking for massive audience appeal, I will nod in acceptance that you and I both know you have made shitty music (cough cough Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20).  But if you claim to be bigger than the Beatles (as Oasis did in the 90s), there should be some immediate and swift John Lennon style karma that falls in your lap and squeezes your testicles.  And not only should this HAPPEN, I should be the first person in line at British Airways to get on a plane and kick you in the junk.  Ziggy Marley proclaimed “Love is my religion” and I stand here letting you know that THE BEATLES are MY RELIGION.  And Michael Stipe should have called me out because as soon as I decided to become obsessed with Oasis, that was me in the corner, losing my religion.  At one point I owned every. single. album. Oasis had.  I even had Noel Gallagher collaborations with The Chemical Brothers (those songs are actually good).  And I went to Towers Records in pursuit of British music magazines with Noel and Liam on the cover so that I could stare at them before I went to sleep. I had Oasis geocities fan pages book marked on my browser.   It was embarrassing   Now, if you are pro-Oasis (and I’m not sure why you would be) you will argue that their first album Definitely, Maybe is actually a good solid garage rock sound.  But then when you bring a date home and you’re sharing a bottle of wine on the couch, I’m going to sneak into your apartment and play Champagne Supernova on repeat.  I dare you defend your love of Oasis now.

3) Luke Perry (Beverly Hills 90210 years)

I will never ever wear protection.

The 90s were a divisive decade.  You were a Pearl Jam or a Nirvana fan.  A Chicago Bulls or a New York Knicks Fan.  And you were a Luke Perry girl or a Jason Priestley girl.  And despite the fact that I prided myself on going against the grain and not giving into horrible pop cultures whims, I became victim to the superstorm that was Beverly Hills, 90210.  Despite wanting to keep my trashy tv virginity for as long as humanly possible, I could not be chaste when confronted with a man who made you wonder if James Dean and Matt Dillon had a hot son. Luke Perry as Dylan McKay was my ultimate bad boy.  He had drinking problems, gambling problems, fidelity problems and if we’re fair, acting problems.  But I loved him nonetheless.  My love of Luke Perry speaks directly to my low self esteem and vulnerability at that age.  If I loved myself then I would love Jason Priestley for all of his preppy, soon to be CEO looks and charm.  But the teenage heart wants to make up for a crippling sense of self worth and a fear that you are not good enough for the boy with dimples who has a future.  So you seek out the man who outwardly represents the chaos that is in your inner life – Luke Perry on a motorcycle   I rest my case.

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